Rather out of nowhere, my daughter asked to watch Mary Poppins the other day. It’s possible I might have nudged her in that direction, what with it being one of the greatest films of all time, but I can’t be sure. Anyway, I was struck by the lyrics to the Fidelity, Fiduciary Bank song. It’s sung by Dick van Dyke, performing even less convincingly as an ancient banker than he is as a cock-er-ney chimney sweep. Written in 1964, I imagine this song was intended to poke a little fun at banks for being considerably less interesting than buying birdseed outside St Paul's. It’s arguably even gently anti-capitalist, with the bearded bores delighting in profits to be made from misfortune: “Think of the foreclosures! Bankruptcies! Debtor Sales! Opportunities!” And little Michael manages to cause a run on the bank by refusing to hand over his money, so it’s not all plain sailing in late Victorian England.
However, what’s most striking is its concrete insistence of what a bank should be for. So much so, I’ve taken the liberty of a brief rewrite from Richard and Robert Sherman’s original here:
“If you invest your tuppence
Wisely in the bank
Safe and sound
Soon that tuppence,
Safely invested in the bank,
Will compound
And you'll achieve that sense of conquest
As your affluence expands
In the hands of the directors
Who invest as propriety demands
You see, Michael, you'll be part of
Railways through Africa!
Dams across the Nile!
Fleets of ocean greyhounds!
Majestic, self-amortizing canals!
Plantations of ripening tea!
All from tuppence, prudently
Fruitfully, frugally invested
In the, to be specific,
In the Dawes, Tomes
Mousely, Grubbs
Fidelity Fiduciary Bank!”
To this updated version. You can sing along here, if you fancy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxyB29bDbBA
“If you invest your tuppence
Blindly in the bank
Lost to all
Soon that tuppence
You thought invested in the bank,
Will disband
And you’ll achieve that sense of despair
As your deposit becomes
In the hands of some mad gambler
Who invests as his bonus pool demands
You see, Michael, you'll be part of
Collateralised debt obligations!
Sub-prime property!
Credit default swaps!
Majestic, incomprehensible securities!
Meaningless screens of numbers!
All from tuppence, fearfully,
nervously, fraudulently invested
In the, to be specific,
In the Crook, Spiv,
Bonus, Grabbs
Tax Haven Protected Bank!”
Simpler days, readers. Simpler days.